and so things DO happen.

i came from mad and stressed to upset and stressed to sad and depressed. i'm just so tired of things now. at first, i was being somewhat forced to think that my friends aren't being so reliable. then again, i wasn't thinking that they might've been busy doing other things. i was acting to stupid, that i was being so selfish about how they should be more reliable. i wasn't thinking at all. lately, i've been wanting things they way i want it.

"... just be more open to change"

yeah, i know. i just can't freakin' help it. i try really hard to be patient. it's just so hard to stay patient for so long now. my mind is thinking that i want what i want to happen now so that nothing bad happens later on. ugh, i just want to get away again. somewhere nice. somewhere without doubts. somewhere without waiting for so long. just somewhere that i can feel much more better at.

disappointments.

we've all had them. i had so many within one day, today, and a few on my birthday. i feel as if i'm going to spill my emotions within this stupid blog.

• birthday:
• "where are they?"
• "wow, i feel totally ditched."
• "i guess our friendship really isn't that important after all."
• "they could have at least said goodbye or that they're going somewhere else."
• "isn't today a special day for me?"

• today/work:
• "i saw this one couple... don't do it cause i want it, besides.. you don't like showing PDA."
• ... dumbass, stupidass, muthafuckin' customer.
• i get jealous/envious whenever he has pretty lookin' asian chicks, makes me want to stab something.
• "why are they always talking?"

for my birthday, i said that it just matters that i see everyone for my birthday gift and all.. but i didn't know that i was going to be ditched as part of the gift. i guess i really am not that special and important in one's life. i mean, not to be mean or offensive, but once me and mark got together, i tried making them feel like we're still totally great friends like last year.. but.. i guess they don't feel the same way either.

so, i noticed..

that i have some more learning to do. i know i have to think 'outside the box' but my mind is taking over about relationships. i'm not thinking 'outside the box' when it comes to me and mark. i'm assuming things too quickly and i need to learn how to control it. i'm so lame for thinking too hard about things. i need to learn more about how to control and handle things. ugh, things, things, and more things. what the hell? ugh.

my brother in law, linh, would joke around and say, "don't get married." i laugh because he's just totally joking, and that i want to get married. this brings me to a different conversation that me and mark were having a couple of days ago. we were talking about my ex, and how he literally took the whole 'getting married' thing to the next level, and how i want to get married, but IN THE FUTURE, not right now, i mean, we're still young! anyways, me and mark know that we're too young to get married and have kids, and that we're going to take it step by step until everything is settled between us and outside of our relationship.

i'm going to stick with mark until the end of life, PERIOD. if after life ended, then i guess.. that's when we'll end. but even then, we're still going to be together no matter what, no matter if we're tiny ass spics just floating in the dark abyss of some weird universe. we're going to be together forever and ever and ever. i love him too much to think the worstestestest of us.